I Hurt, I Write

Wednesday, November 16, 2011
When there are things that bug my mind, I write. I can't help it, it eases my feeling. Whether I write it in my cellphone, or in my laptop's Word, or here, in blog.

However, I am very scared now. Scared of something that I can't tell here (although I have 22-pages text draft in my cellphone). Do you ever feel such fear? That gut-wrenching feeling, your heart sinks, your stomach hurts.

I am afraid of hurting. For the last several months, I have managed to get rid of that fear. I have managed to remove all my safety net. I began to open my heart completely, smoldering down the walls I have built for years. I made my choice and threw away all the fear.

Now that fear is catching up with me. Mocking all the dreams I have faith in. Making me wonder, have I been silly and way too naive? I promised myself I won't give away all my heart so that I won't get hurt. But things are different. I am willing to give away all my heart knowingly that I might get hurt. But the latest event got me scared.

I am so scared that my whole body becomes so cold, I have goosebumps, I have tears streaming down my face, and I have that old gut-wrenching feeling back. These are the things that put me on a downward spiral, turn my 'self-destructive mode' on. I can't eat, I can't sleep.

You might call me a 'drama queen'. Maybe I am? But you'll never know what I am going through all my life. I have been hurting every now and then, that I am so scared of getting hurt even more. And the reason of me being almost irrationally afraid is because I have set my dreams too high. You see, I have always been a dreamy girl. I have big dreams, and even worse, I have faith in it. So if that dream shall fall down, I'll be down and crushed with it.

Now I don't know what to do, I really don't. I think I just need my bestfriend Amanda to sit with me and let me cry on her shoulder, but I know that she's having the biggest exam of her life so far, and I don't want to bug her with this silly fear. I need my boyfriend to sit beside me, hug me and tell me everything is gonna be fine, that he loves me, that this is nothing. But I too don't want to bother him with this.

So, basically, now I can only sit with myself, strengthening myself. Hopefully it will be enough.

And I am terribly sorry I give you a somewhat negative post right now. I hope it doesn't affect you. And I really hope you have a great day (:


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